This is my first post, heck this is my first blog..

Im writing not because I expect to be heard, but because I need to put these words out there.. i think if i dont im going to loose my mind..

Today... today is a typical day ... wake up - much earlier than i need to, knowing theres no hope of going back to sleep.. so i close my eyes and try to chill, to calm the panic and stress thats coursing through me before ive barely even opened my eyes...

imagine... well thats my name for it ... turn over.. hide from the sunlight invading my room.. imagine.. .a world , a place , a person, anywhere where i feel safe... use the images im so good at forming in my head... 3d technicolor, sound smells you name it... its my refuge... imagine.. convince myself this world ive made could happen...

open my eyes.. try not to think about the day ahead, shake off the dream i had last night that still lingers.. tell myself again that it wasnt real, try to believe it ...

And then breakfast... ah the first battle of the day.. i know i have to eat it and i argue with myself that its better to eat this than to be passing out halfway through the day in some inconvenient place .. but though my mind is willing , my body has other ideas ..i feel sick.. full up .. not hungry .. so i give up .. remember that ive lived on far less before ..

look in the mirror... get annoyed that nothing has changed since yesterday ... fat arms , fat hips ... fat thighs... i take up too much space... and i hate my body for not just doing what i want.. for taking up too much room in this world...

so now im angry... angry at my lack of self control, over a body that is so weak it needs feeding every few hours... thousands of years of evolution and mother nature couldnt come up with something better . .. i hate it...

one day ill invent a pill , just one small pill that you take , one time a day and thats it .. .unending energy and no cals ... i wish...

at least ill burn off a ton of cals... blast my ipod up loud.. leave late on purpose so ill have to rush.. more cals burned ... push myself .. dont stop .. dont think.. just keep going ... wear myself down.. push myself to exhaustion...

but im superwomen dont you know- i can live on air and keep going forever ... and hell... even if i did fall down... whos gona notice .. whose gona give a shit...

hold on .. just another day... survive.. dont stop.. endure and say nothing.. to the world im fine.. or tired or stressed ... but im fine... even if i fall down half dead im fine ... no need for you to concern yourself with my worthless self...

step over me ... pretend im not there... i promise you - i wont hold it against you...