Thursday 20 May 2010

I am a Ghost. My time has past and now I belong to nowhere. Mourning for things that never were and never can be.

Wednesday 19 May 2010

Its been a while since I posted ... like the world gives a damn - its not like anyone is reading this.
Thats actually kind of cool - so I can write whatever the hell I want - no ones gona read it - no ones gona care, no guilt, no pain , no shame... happy days ..

so todays topic - the joys of trying to hold down a job in the wonderful world that is the UK office culture.

I work in a call center - ''nuff said. No need to name names- after all - this is out there in the universe and no matter how much I dislike my sucky job I still need the dollar so Im going to keep it all mysterious for now.

Anyway - back to my topic... so in the average UK office -you have your desirables and your undesirables... the cool ones, the people who always wear the right clothes, say the right things, shag the right people.. who will fuck over any poor soul who gets in their way all in the name of getting some where - most likely in an office on a street few people have ever heard of and in a job that really doesnt contribute anything of importance to the world.

And then you have the not so cool ones, the outcastes, the outsiders, the '' not cool enough to be in my gang '' types..

The ones that dont fit in, that arent willing to live on bread and cheese just so they can spend half their pay cheque on stupid expensive office clothes from some poncy named semi designer shop.. the ones with the piercings , or tattoos, the girls that dont wear skirts or shove their M&S enhanced cleavage in the face of which ever unfortunate male that happens to pass their way...

The ones who just arent willing to risk liver failure in later life, or a brain hemorrage in order to go and shmooze with the bosses in the pub after work... or to spend thier entire lives in work just so some idiot boss will like them...

The ones like me ...

Ah .. the joy of it all ... a few months ago I had a quite serious, prolonged melt down at work. I wasnt at all in good place ... Id wake up every morning and beg for God to kill me in some painless way ... and when that didnt happen.. hell - I figured Id resort to my old tactic of hurting myself - just to show God whos really boss...

Some where in all these mashed up thoughts was the fairly logical idea that if I could just get REALLY REALLY THIN then everything would be ok... size O jeans and Id be superwomen..

Its not like I havent been there befor though, heck - I'm ALWAYS there, restricting, controling, eating just enough to stay alive and reasonably healthy, but I stepped it up several notches.

Razor blade scars dont go down to well with the boyfriend, so on top of eating a teeny breakfast, having nothing but water and tea during the day, and having a teeny dinner - if any at all - I had an overwhelming need to hurt myself ...

Bring on the purging .. it was great - well - no it wasnt but the high was pretty cool. Eat nothing , drink water, throw up nothing but get high trying. I was totally addicted. I threw up 6 times in half an hour, I was flying... and all this trying to hold down a job.

So it all got quite mental, I was spending all my energy trying to stay concious, not to commit the hideous crime of passing out at work, and some how managing to do my job and keep up the pretence with my BF.. .

I looked like shit - I couldnt be botherd with makeup or hair , and i resorted to baggy layers to keep warm.. but I got skinny and I loved it...

so to get to the point - a few really bad days and along came the inevitable '' what the hell is going on with you - do you need some days off'' sit down with my boss trying to do the caring sharing act while badly disguising that he doesnt give a shit if I dropped dead .

So I thought Id come clean - by now the ''tired and stressed / sick '' line was something no one was really buying. So I thought Id be daring and try the truth.

So out came the words ''eating disorder''. Surprisingly this boss was great .. out went the wanker face and in came a caring sharing side the like of which Ive never seen since. I got my breaks at differant times, and I got left alone when I was having a bad day.

The only problem - I work in a large call center - and I dont just have one boss - I have several. And now every time I change teams - I have to tell the new boss I have to tell the new boss about my ''eating issues''.

And what Ive learned from this ?? That there are people out there that really and truely spend thier entire lives with their heads stuck up their own butts.

Boss number 2 didnt get it. Didnt get it despite several explanations. Seriously I nearly went insane. I actually came right out and told him '' I starve myself'' - he didnt get it .. face blank . Directed him to a very informative website - didnt get it... eventually got very annoyed at the constant tears, bad days and lack of energy etc Boss number 2 looked at me like Im some dumb blonde whose decided to starve myself just to look like Paris Hilton or cos eating disorders are in fashion.

Boss Number 3 - didnt care either way - didnt care if I turned up on time, how long I took for my break - boss number 3 was far too busy with his mobile phone to notice my bad days... it was great !!!

Boss Number 4 - ah... the newest. Looked at me with shear annoyance that I was taking up his precious time with some silly problems. Looked at me with complete disbelief and I could almost hear the words '' but she doesnt LOOK like someone with an ED'' ...

note - telling someone with an ED that they dont look sick - is a guaranteed way to make them even more sick...

Boss number 4 cant stand the site of me - and id probably make his day if I dropped dead. ..

so the result of trying to be adult and mature and open and pro active about my food issues... Now im the wierdo with food issues. The one no one wants on their team, the one that every one will have to ''deal '' with, the official fucked up annoying office anorexic that no one wants in their gang...

Theirs probably a law against this kind of treatment but whos gonna care...

And the irony of all this is that the stress of telling people about my ed - watching their unsympathetic reactions, being ignored and patronised and looked at like Im some silly little girl making all this up ...

all this is stressing my out so much that now im back to restricting... back to the old belief that as soon as im thin enough - everyone will love me - if only I can manage to stay concious ..

11 hrs and 25 mins till Im back at work

Wednesday 4 November 2009

This is my first post, heck this is my first blog..

Im writing not because I expect to be heard, but because I need to put these words out there.. i think if i dont im going to loose my mind..

Today... today is a typical day ... wake up - much earlier than i need to, knowing theres no hope of going back to sleep.. so i close my eyes and try to chill, to calm the panic and stress thats coursing through me before ive barely even opened my eyes...

imagine... well thats my name for it ... turn over.. hide from the sunlight invading my room.. imagine.. .a world , a place , a person, anywhere where i feel safe... use the images im so good at forming in my head... 3d technicolor, sound smells you name it... its my refuge... imagine.. convince myself this world ive made could happen...

open my eyes.. try not to think about the day ahead, shake off the dream i had last night that still lingers.. tell myself again that it wasnt real, try to believe it ...

And then breakfast... ah the first battle of the day.. i know i have to eat it and i argue with myself that its better to eat this than to be passing out halfway through the day in some inconvenient place .. but though my mind is willing , my body has other ideas ..i feel sick.. full up .. not hungry .. so i give up .. remember that ive lived on far less before ..

look in the mirror... get annoyed that nothing has changed since yesterday ... fat arms , fat hips ... fat thighs... i take up too much space... and i hate my body for not just doing what i want.. for taking up too much room in this world...

so now im angry... angry at my lack of self control, over a body that is so weak it needs feeding every few hours... thousands of years of evolution and mother nature couldnt come up with something better . .. i hate it...

one day ill invent a pill , just one small pill that you take , one time a day and thats it .. .unending energy and no cals ... i wish...

at least ill burn off a ton of cals... blast my ipod up loud.. leave late on purpose so ill have to rush.. more cals burned ... push myself .. dont stop .. dont think.. just keep going ... wear myself down.. push myself to exhaustion...

but im superwomen dont you know- i can live on air and keep going forever ... and hell... even if i did fall down... whos gona notice .. whose gona give a shit...

hold on .. just another day... survive.. dont stop.. endure and say nothing.. to the world im fine.. or tired or stressed ... but im fine... even if i fall down half dead im fine ... no need for you to concern yourself with my worthless self...

step over me ... pretend im not there... i promise you - i wont hold it against you...